Bring Me to Life
by Usami
Summary: /songfic, Kurama POV/ Without a soul, I can't be alive. I know I'm not dead, because I'm standing here before you, but without a soul, I'm not alive either.


Hey all! For those of you waiting for Just Step Brothers, I'm sorry, but I haven't written the next chapter for it yet. But this is my first **Yu Yu Hakusho** songfic. I hope you all like it!!

**Bold** = song lyrics

"Bring Me to Life" © Evanscence

**Bring Me To Life**

            For a moment, I had no idea where I was. It was rather strange. I remembering going to the park, not bringing an umbrella with me despite the rain. But, as I stared up at the dark sky, and started to think about things, I guess I forgot I was at the park. I seemed to remember now though. Odd, really. 

            I shivered slightly. I was getting pretty cold, standing there in the rain. That was to be expected, I guess, but I didn't worry about getting sick.

            I had nothing to do, and really no where to go. I actually wished that I did, but since I didn't, things that I thought I had forgotten about kept entering my mind again, forcing me to think about them, no matter how much I didn't want to.

            I didn't think much of the footsteps that I heard in the background. There were still people passing by, even with the heavy rain. I still didn't recognize the fact that the soft steps were coming close. However, when the rain stopped falling on me, I looked to see an umbrella over my head. Turning, my eyes widened slightly in surprise.

            "Botan," I said. "What are you doing here?"

            She smiled softly, handing me the umbrella she held over my head, holding her own. "I was just checking on everyone, like I do every once in a while. But when I went to your house, your mom said you weren't there and asked me to look for you. She wanted you to have the umbrella."

            I nodded, taking it from her. Little good it did me now, since I was pretty much drenched, but I thanked her anyway.

            She frowned slightly, tilting her head as she looked at me. "What's wrong, Kurama?"

            I stiffened slightly, stunned by her question. "Nothing," I replied, a little quickly. A lie, I knew, but she really didn't need to know about it. "Why would you think something's wrong?"

            She took a step closer to me, her amethyst eyes locked with mine. "I can tell, because you have such a sad look in your eyes. Your face hides it well, but your eyes give you away."

            I winced slightly, turning away from her. So, she knew. She could somehow see that I was hiding something, no matter how I tried to keep it hidden from her, from everyone. How could she tell when others couldn't?

**How can you see into my eyes like open doors  
Leading you down into my core  
Where I've become so numb**

            I turned, my back facing her, looking at the ground in front of me. How was I to answer her? I pushed back my damp crimson bangs away from my eyes, trying to think. 

            "Kurama?" she asked softly. I heard her take a step closer. 

            "Yes?"

            "You know you can trust me, right? You can tell me anything."

            I nodded, turning around once again to face her. "I know." I ran my fingers through my damp hair. "Botan?"

            "Yeah?"

            "You're a Spirit Guide, right?"

            She looked a little confused by my question. "You know I am."

            "Then……Can I ask you for a favor?"

            "Anything, Kurama. What do you need me to do?"

            I looked down at the ground, before locking my eyes with hers. "I need you to find my soul, wherever it is. I need you to bring it back to me."

**Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold   
Until you find it there and lead it back home**

She laughed softly, and I supposed she thought I was joking. But, as she looked into my eyes, seeing that I was dead serious, she frowned. "What?"****

            "You heard what I said, Botan. That's what I need you to do for me."

            Her eyes filled with bewilderment. "I…I don't understand…"

            "I didn't think you would." I looked down at the ground again. "It's……rather difficult to explain, really, but……I don't really know who I am, anymore……"

            "What do you mean? You're Kurama, the soul of a Yoko in a human body…"

            I shook my head. "Yoko died a long time ago."

            "But I thought……"

            "It's true, the soul of the one who was called Yoko Kurama entered the body of an unborn human child. But the second he did, he died. Whether he accepted it or learned to accept it, as soon as he entered the body – _this body – he obtained a humanity. Yoko Kurama, at that time, ceased to exist."_

            Botan blinked, thinking it over. 

            "There's so much more to it than that, and I've had a lot of time to think about it." I turned away from her again, looking up at the sky. "But I wish I could just wake up from this endless nightmare."

**_Wake me up  
Wake me up inside  
_I can't wake up  
_Wake me up inside  
_Save me  
_Call my name and save me from the dark_**

            "What about Shuuichi?" she asked quietly.

            I looked at her over my shoulder. "Shuuichi never existed."

            "But…"

            "The soul of Shuuichi, or at least the one assumed to be Shuuichi, never existed, because the soul of Yoko entered the embryo before a human soul could be created. The human known as Shuuichi is simply a façade."

            "So, what are you saying?"

            "I'm saying, that I'm neither Shuuichi, nor Yoko Kurama. The soul of Shuuichi never existed, but the soul of Yoko died eighteen years ago. I am no one, and I have nothing."

            She looked up at me. "What do you mean you have nothing? What about your mother and your family? Your friends?"

            I turned to look at her. "They care for someone who isn't real."

            "Kurama…"

            "My mother and family care for the person Shuuichi. But Shuuichi, as I've stated, has never lived, nor will ever live. And Yusuke and the others are friends with who they believe to be Yoko Kurama, the soul of a demon who lived in a human body. But Yoko doesn't exist either. He died a long time ago.

            "I have nothing, Botan. I am no one, and I've lived for nothing."

            She looked up at me again. "What's that supposed to mean?"

            "Everyone believes that I returned to the Human World because I wanted to stay with my human mother, and I do love her enough that I don't want to leave her. But that's not the only reason I returned. I returned, because the life I live as Shuuichi makes up for, and will continue to make up for, the life of Yoko. But, since the actions of both cancel out, it once again leaves me with nothing. I will continue to live as a human only to repent for what was done as Yoko, leaving me with nothing for myself, whoever I am."

**_Wake me up  
Bid my blood to run  
_I can't wake up  
_Before I come undone  
_Save me  
_Save me from the nothing I've become_**

Botan was quiet now, thinking over the words I have spoken to her. It didn't suit the usually cheerful ferry girl to be so sullen.****

            "Sorry," I said, turning away from her. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked for your help with something that's solely my problem."

            "Why did you ask me to help, then?" she asked quietly.

            I shrugged. "I'm not sure…I guess…since you were the only one who noticed something was wrong with me, I thought……" I shook my head. "Anyway, it doesn't matter." I started to walk away, when I felt her hand enclose on my wrist. I turned to look at her.

            "It does matter," she said, a soft, sad look in her eyes. "Because it's upsetting you so much, I want to help you, Kurama."

**Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me**

I was a bit surprised, but, turning to face her, I finally surrendered to the feelings inside my heart. "It's just……I suppose I wish that I was actually alive……I mean, really _living……"****_

            "But you _are alive," she replied, bemusement sweeping over her._

            "Without a soul, I can't be alive. I know I'm not dead, because I'm standing here before you, but without a soul, I'm not alive either."

            "Kurama…"

            "I wish I knew what I was. I wish I knew if I was really alive, or if I'm just someone who doesn't really exist. I wish I had a life, I mean a real life of my own."

**Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life**

            "It must be hard for you," I barely heard Botan whisper. "To discover that you don't know who you are, and not being who you thought you were."

            I shrugged, once again hiding what I really thought. "I guess it is……With Yoko and Shuuichi being nonliving, I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to do. I mean, what can I do?"

            Amethyst eyes came into my vision. "Are you afraid of it, at all?"

            I shook my head. "Not afraid……Just trapped……"

**_Wake me up  
Wake me up inside  
_I can't wake up  
_Wake me up inside  
_Save me  
_Call my name and save me from the dark  
_Wake me up  
_Bid my blood to run  
_I can't wake up  
_Before I come undone  
_Save me  
_Save me from the nothing I've become_**

            "How do you feel about……this whole thing?" the ferry girl asked me with some hesitation.

            "I……I don't really know. I guess frustrated that everything I ever thought about myself, everything I've ever done, and ever lived for, has never been real for me. I've never had a real life of my own, and I've never had anything that was just for _me. And, I guess in a way, I'm confused, because I'm not really alive, but I somehow still exist. I just don't know what to think anymore."_

            Botan suddenly dropped her umbrella, and I looked at her, worry coming over me. "What's wrong?" I asked.

**Bring me to life  
_I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside_   
Bring me to life**

            My eyes widened, and the umbrella dropped from my hand, when she suddenly embraced me, her arms around my waist as she buried her head into my chest. We were both getting rained on, but, in that instance, the cold emptiness I felt so soon before suddenly disappeared, as I was being held by the Deity of Death herself. This cheerful ferry girl, who brought those who died to the Spirit World, was suddenly filling me with a warmth that I have never felt before, as if……giving me life…

**Frozen inside without your touch without your love  
Darling only you are the life among the dead**

            I closed my eyes, and I found myself wrapping my arms around her. Was it that simple? Were the answers to all my problems, these problems that I've been dealing with for so long, in this one person? This person that I've known for three years? Could my problems really end, just because of her? 

            But, as I thought about it, I recall her being there for me when I needed her. Today isn't the first time that she's noticed something wrong with me, when no one else was even remotely aware. She always noticed something was wrong, and she always was there if I needed to talk to someone. 

**_All this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems  
Got to open my eyes to everything_**

            "I'm here for you, Kurama," she whispered. "If you never have anything or anyone else, I'm here for you."

            "Are you sure you want to be here for someone who doesn't exist?" I asked, still wondering if this was actually real. "Are you sure you want to be there for no one who has nothing at all?"

            She looked up at me, placing a hand on my cheek. "You're not 'no one', Kurama," she replied softly.

            I closed my eyes to her touch. Her hand felt strangely warm on my cold skin. "I don't want to die this way," I whispered, giving in to my fear. "I don't want to die without knowing who I am."

            "And you won't. I know you won't."

**_Without a thought without a voice without a soul  
Don't let me die here  
There must be something more  
Bring me to life_**

I opened my eyes again, looking down at her with a skeptical gaze. "How do you know?" I asked. "How can you be so sure that I'll find what I'm looking for?"****

            "Because I'll help you, Kurama. I'll help you find who you are. You asked me to bring your soul back to you, and I will. I don't know how, but I promise you I will. I'll bring you back. So don't worry, Kurama."

**_Wake me up  
Wake me up inside  
_I can't wake up  
_Wake me up inside  
_Save me  
_Call my name and save me from the dark_**

"I don't know, Botan. That's going to be hard. Not being who I thought I was, being no one I'm familiar with. I'll always have to keep up the guise of Shuuichi and Yoko Kurama, even if they aren't who I am anymore, or who I ever was. I have nothing to live for…"****

            "You do have something to live for," Botan replied quietly. "You have me."

            My eyes widened as I suddenly felt warm lips touch mine, as I felt arms around my neck, pulling me closer to the blue-haired girl as I felt the kiss deepen. Warmth filled my entire body and soul, as I felt blood rush into my cheeks.

            Closing my eyes, I pulled her closer, deepening the kiss myself. I had never known until now how much I needed the contact of another. How much I needed the warmth of someone else. I had always thought that I didn't need anyone to help me with problems that I had, and I was better off trying to deal with them myself.

            But I realized then, as Botan leaned into me, that it was a belief of Yoko. And, since I was no longer Yoko Kurama, I suppose that that was no longer a belief that I should hold on to. 

**_Wake me up  
Bid my blood to run  
_I can't wake up  
_Before I come undone  
_Save me  
_Save me from the nothing I've become_**

I finally pulled away, allowing the both of us to breath. She smiled softly, and I couldn't help but smile back.****

            "Are you sure you want to be with me?" I asked again, making sure it was what she really wanted. "This will be hard for me, as I try to find a life for me to live, a life that I want to live……"

            She nodded. "I'm sure," she replied, gently moving strands of my hair from my eyes. "I'll help you, no matter what it takes. I'll bring you to life, Kurama."

            I sighed, burying my face in her hair. My tears, mixed with the rain, flowed down my cheeks, further dampening her hair. She held her embrace around me, as I began to tremble slightly. Everything I needed, everything I'd ever need, I realized would come from her. She was the life that I needed to live.

**Bring me to life  
_I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside_   
Bring me to life**

**The End**

So, whatcha think? Please review, and no flames if you can help it. 


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